“Mom, I’m a Girl”—A Mother’s First Steps Toward Supporting Her Trans Daughter
Binary to Binary: A Gender Transition Roadmap
by Susanna Blake, Part 1
Author’s Note
Let’s get this straight. I am the cisgender mother of a young transgender woman. I have no medical, legal, or other relevant credentials. This is a case study documenting four years of her male-to-female journey from 2016–2020. I have not tried to capture her feelings before, during, or after this process—that is her story to tell.
From the beginning of this story, I will use female pronouns, though she and I agreed that until she came out, we would continue to use male pronouns and what would become her dead name. Also, in this essay, my name, her father’s name, and her name are pseudonyms, to make it less likely that she is outed to her professional peers.
The reason I decided to document this roadmap (which we made up as we went along) is that in 2016, I did not encounter this guidance anywhere. While every transgender transition journey is different, some people may find it helpful to learn the steps we went through. Individuals transitioning from female to male, male to female, non-binary people, and close allies may pick up useful ideas on how to proceed—no matter their timeline, finances, goals, or unique obstacles.
Great detail on each subject is not covered since I am not an expert and medical guidance, laws, and cultural changes will occur over time. Also, I would lose your attention very quickly if I included four years of day-to-day paperwork, phone calls, internet searches, and tracking of prerequisite and follow-up tasks. Many more resources exist today than just a few years ago to supplement the overview I am laying out in this roadmap.
“Mom, I’m a girl.”
One day, at the age of 23, my daughter sat me down and simply said: “Mom, I’m a girl.” Within a fraction of a second I replied: “Oh, what do we need to do about that?” She knew enough about the subject to say she needed to start by seeing a therapist.
I was totally surprised, but not shocked, if I can make that distinction. In addition to formally diagnosed clinical depression, attention deficit, and severe learning disabilities since childhood, it never occurred to me that she had also been suffering from gender dysphoria. She said her first signs of discomfort began during puberty and grew from there through her undergraduate years. I imagine she learned a lot searching the internet about gender transition.
One thing that disguised her gender dysphoria was that her gender orientation (romantic attraction) had always been to girls. That was easily explained by the fact that she is a lesbian. Wrap your mind around that, everyone, during the first hour of her disclosure!
She could have easily guessed that I would be instantly supportive and eager to help her through the complexities of transition. If there is anything I am good at, it is paperwork and reading the fine print.
By fall of 2016, Caroline had been hired from an internship into a 24-hour/week primarily night shift job. In order to accomplish things during the day it was obvious that I would need legal Power of Attorney for everything including health care. Note that there is a massive amount of paperwork, much of which is not readily available online.
Jumping ahead in the story a bit, Caroline began earning an AS degree in the middle of 2017 in addition to her job so she needed a full-time ally to keep the ball rolling quickly. The purpose of adding an AS degree after a BA was to gain enough professional skills to earn more than $15.00/hour, capitalize on her substantial intellectual strengths, and prepare for a career she could take pride in. She discontinued working before her second year of the AS program as balls were beginning to drop, trying to do three major things at once (work, college, and transition).
As a side note, through her journey I would occasionally ask her if she was truly seeking a full binary transition. Her answer was clear every time: “Yes.”
Part 2: From Therapy Hurdles to Community Support—Navigating the Early Days of Transition
Looking for support as you navigate your trans child’s journey? We’re here for you. Reach out today to get started with a counselor.